daphne bananas yang

I had sniffles Thursday night so I asked for some Vitamin C. Someone gave me three horse-sized pills and went to bed. I swallowed the pills, then got suspicious. Oh look, they are one-a-day women's multivitamins!

On my way to work the next morning, I called IHOP to order some "crepes to go." The lady on the phone couldn't understand what I was trying to say (because no one orders crepes from IHOP.) She said "I'm sorry Papi, I can't hear what you mean." I tried to repeat myself several times, then gave up on the crepes and ate a hot dog for breakfast.

Anyway, do you think there's a connection between my women pills and my newfound desire for crepes? How about my new breasts?

hustle and flow

I got CPR certified yesterday, after a five-hour class. I was partnered with an older woman named Dianne, we had to do all sorts of intimate exercises (my arm grasping her abdomen, her hand on my forehead, etc.) No I wasn't turned on but it did get me thinking. What about a screenplay about two pathetic but loveable lonelyhearts, finding amore in a CPR training class? I'm thinking Jon Lovitz and Laura Linney but I'm open to suggestion.

I have another idea for a short film, where a guy is performing CPR while he talks on his Bluetooth headset. I don't really know what happens but the Bluetooth guy is such a jerk that everyone cracks up.

Never get Kashi brand pizza. The crust tastes like granola. Take my word on this.

I don't think black people ever feel awkward.

I've been working a lot with a woman in London named Sammi. I admitted to myself today that I make up excuses to call her, when emailing would be much easier. She isn't especially interesting, but Brits could recite the periodic table and I'd be rapt. What a voice!

wonder wall

I had a great holiday weekend, did lots of fun things, came into work full of enthusiastic anecdotes about veggie cookouts in Jersey City and the fascinating Murakami exhibit. Then my friend Mert casually informed me that his weekend included a pickup soccer game with Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson, while Stephen Dorff looked on drunkenly. All of a sudden I didn't feel like talking about myself, which never happens.

Hey Mert, your life sucks.

Jogging Through Nimh

Tonight I was on one of my short runs, which I do 3 or 4 times a week. I only go about a mile roundtrip, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something for my health and wellness. (Quit bragging!)

It's kind of an industrial run, through wholesale bakeries and ice cream truck depots and lumberyards. There is very little foot or vehicle traffic so I can really haul. After I go a half mile, I walk for about thirty seconds before I start running again. (I think I saw this fitness technique on the TV once)

Anyway, tonight as I was approaching some trash cans on my half-mile stroll, I noticed movement on the ground. Sure enough, there were two or three rats poking about the cans. Honestly it didn't faze me, I've become de-sensitized to the cheeky little weirdos. Or so I thought.

As I got closer to the trash cans, it appeared I vastly misjudged the size of the rat army. All of a sudden they were everywhere, trying to get away from me but confused and running over and into my shoes. There were fifteen or more of them, running every which way. I noticed that a sporty Island gentleman was also trapped in the sea of vermin.

Carribean reaction: cool and collected, stand stock still and wide-eyed until the rat wave subsides.

My reaction: start flailing my arms around like a sissy, tripping all over myself and making weird guttural noises. I attract the attention of a passing UHaul who slows down to laugh and point.

But I mean, can you blame me?

I'm in love with Massachusetts

I rode the L train home late last night, after an accidental Obama Meetup (dot com) with my high school friend Kyle*. Midway through the train ride, the tall Hispanic guy next to me asked if I went to Harvard. "This must be a New York scam," I thought, before I remembered the Harvard bookmark hanging out of my book.

"Oh you saw my bookmark."
"Well yeah, but also you look like you go to Harvard."
snicker
"What's so funny man?"
"It's just that, no one has ever told me that before."
"I mean it."

The dude seemed hurt by my disbelief. When he got off the train a couple stops later, he grumbled "Later" like we were in a fight. These were my standout features last night:
-Sonicare electric toothbrush in hand
-booze on breath
-outrageous rain jacket with red-eyed Japanese fish all over it

Less Harvard, more wide-eyed subway crazyman. Maybe someone you don't choose to sit next to. But what do I know?

*if you live in New York long enough, you will get a visit from every person you've ever known.

remiss

I've let this slide for too long. Here are some new(ish) friend blogs.

First, confetti favorite Maureen brings funny and fresh flava from Madison.
The Greatest Road Trip Ever

Second, Dann-o, my first solid New York drinking buddy, moved to Thailand a couple months ago to do volunteer work. He hasn't updated in awhile but it's still a good read. I suggest starting at the beginning.
The Barefoot Diaries

Third is another confetti favorite Alison (not Hammer), who I've been meaning to hype for ages. She's great.
Drumming My Fingers on the Table

Have a peek!

Radio On!

(Where is today's post title from, April Smarty?)

Wedding highlights:

-New theory from the car trip: Wyoming is not real. If you were ever driving through some barren wasteland and someone said, "Hey look out the window, it's friggin' Wyoming!" they were lying to you. That was Utah or Montana. Wyoming has not existed, and it never will.

-Another theory: France>USA (duh)

-The wedding had a processional which included Dave Matthews Band AND Des'ree.

-The bride was a contestant on American Idol.

-The bride's grandfather apparently met her grandmother through a wrong number. Gramma picked up the phone and Grampa was so captivated by this stranger's beautiful voice that he asked her on a date. The rest, as they say, is history. Another theory (mine): that story is not true.

-I've befriended a young man who is in charge of $30 million in performing arts grant money. He needs scripts for short plays and movies (under 15 minutes). Contact me if you wanna slice up the cash cow. Arts!

-I love to, and cannot, dance. *marlo* got moves though.

Apres-moi, le deluge

Last night I realized I have warm feelings towards Colgate brand toothpaste, I've been using it since I was wee. Then I got nervous that maybe it is a really bad toothpaste brand, that they pour it scalding hot into the eyes of baby chickens. Luckily I googled "colgate is evil" and found only four results! Two of them were facetious!

Yesterday I broke the toilet at my fave local brunch spot. I left the toilet full and mechanical pieces lying broken and bruised in the bottom of the toilet tank. Then the maitre d walked into the bathroom right after me and I felt so bad. I called later to alleviate my guilt.
"Excuse me, I just wanted to say I'm sooooo sorry."
"Um, who is this? What are you sorry about?"
"Oh I broke your toilet and left it sitting there and it sucks that someone has to fix it, I bet your job is hard enough and..."
"Hey man."
"Yeah?"
"It happens. It's something that happens. In life."
He seemed annoyed, but I felt much better.

I found out that the Board of Health once had to shut down my apartment building because someone was breeding snakes and alligators in our basement.

Tonight I'm going to a stranger's wedding in New Jersey. I won't know a soul except for a crazy gangster named *marlo*. It's something that happens. In life.

sanity on the line

I received a letter yesterday, clearly self-addressed. It was a pre-stamped envelope I had never seen before, with pictures of horses on it. The postmark said Milwaukee. Inside was three semi-random pictures with a Wisconsin theme. No note, nothing.
Let me be quite clear, no one has handwriting like me. To attempt a forgery of my kindergarten scrawl would take hours. How did I mail these pictures to myself from the Midwest two days ago? I have a theory about Jesse from the Future sending a message to Jesse from Right Now but that might be the booze talking. It usually is.

Love is real

I am perversely obsessed with this website I got in my spam folder today, with all sorts of potential mail-order brides. The video testimonials are crushingly depressing or hilarious, depending on your mood. I even uploaded one video to Youtube. Take a minute to look at some of the profiles and photos, it's unbelievable.

WWFBD?

I had a list of funny things to write about here, like how El Toro called a sausage store my Valhalla. Unfortunately I left the list at home and I'm running out of time before this play. So instead of a real post, let me leave you with a sampling of rapper Foxy Brown's crimes against humanity. Bye!

-In January 1997, the rapper turned herself in on an arrest warrant issued after spitting on two North Raleigh Holiday Inn hotel workers. The altercation occurred after the rapper requested an iron, but was informed by hotel staff that none was available.

-On August 29, 2004, Brown allegedly attacked two manicurists in Chelsea, Manhattan during a dispute over a $20 bill that she refused to pay. Brown was sentenced to three years probation and anger management counseling. Orders of protection were authorized by the court for the manicurists.

-On February 15, 2007, Brown was arrested for an incident in Broward County, Florida. Brown was applying beauty products in the bathroom of the Queen Beauty Supply store when an employee knocked on the door and told her the business was closed so it was time to leave. She refused and threw hair glue at the employee, the report said. Brown then spat on the man as he called 911, staining his shirt. A police officer found her in the shopping plaza and tried to get her to return to the store. When the officer placed a hand on her arm to escort her to the store, Brown swatted it away, then started swinging her arms and struggling with the officer.

-On May 7, 2007, police were called in Brooklyn after a young mother claimed Foxy Brown, in a silver Range Rover, almost ran her down along with her baby in a stroller.

-On May 9, 2008, Brown pleaded guilty of threatening neighbor Arlene Raymond with a phone. She was accused of bruising the eye and chipping the tooth of her long-time neighbour when she struck her with a BlackBerry phone.

so fresh and so clean

Last night I tried someone's Sonicare toothbrush. Things went a bit sour at first when I pushed the button and the toothpaste went flying onto my chest. Then I worked out the kinks and jammed some fresh paste in my talkhole. Manoman, that's a scary brush! It felt like a muscular minty hummingbird was released in my mouth. Very little control, but a superior clean!

I want to do it again, like when I rode Space Mountain at age 8. I'm now engaged in multiple toothbrush bidding wars on Ebay. My friend Vanessa thinks it's gross to buy a toothbrush from a stranger. "Sure they tell you it's brand new, but really..." Well Vanessa, this whole story started with me using someone else's toothbrush. My mattress comes from a stranger. One time I bought boxers at the Salvation Army. I'm gritty, real.

So yeah, instead of Honduras, this is what I'm doing with my tax rebate.

It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist

Hi all.

This morning T recommended I get some Dove eye cream for my saggy baggles. I found this an unfair dig, T needs to recognize that I have a very active lifestyle. I lit him on fire and walked away whistling.

In an incredibly boring meeting with two tech people this afternoon, I realized I kept pulling my tongue out of my mouth and petting it like a pygmy goat. The techies were so polite, they didn't even stare in repulsion!

Tomorrow I have my first gig as paid photographer, I have to do a profile of a new attorney. I'm going to have him pretend he's skateboarding while eating a hot dog, to highlight his "human" side.

Yes the Derby Party was grand, wild and crazy with all the trimmings. Jenny and I didn't get home until 5am, then we bought soup and sandwiches. Very sad about Eight Belles though.

Also, I love cute shit.

poor horse

photo credit: Sarah Moon?

Brothers and Sisters

Today is International Brothers and Sisters day, though I'm sure you already knew that. I sent my little sissy this thoughtful e-card.

I am not going to Honduras after all, there were plane ticket tricks and it cost much more than I thought. I will stuff the rebate money under my mattress like the Scroogester.

Tomorrow is the annual SSS-sponsored Derby Party. Last year's party helped inspire me to move to New York. I don't really have photos from last year so I'll post a couple from last weekend to give you an idea of how alcohol affects me. Have a great weekend!

This Modern Lunch

Today's picnic was on the Upper East Side. We didn't like the exposure of the median strip last week so *marlo* went searching online for parks. She found a park by the water called twenty-four sycamore, but when we got there we realized it was really just a paved playground. Ah well, it was secluded and quiet.

We sat looking at the toddlers on the swings and their caregivers. The game was "Are you the mother?" This game was really easy because none of the children were the same ethnicity as the women who were playing with them. Maybe that seems vaguely racist but I read The Nanny Diaries, I know a few things about the real world.

Oh man my sandwich was SO DELICIOUS! I won't bore you with the details but...oh you wanna know? Roast beef, caramelized onions, cucumber, tomato, swiss cheese and blue cheese dressing on a hearty hero. I mean, seriously.

Casting Call

A) I just got my tax rebate.

B) Round-trip plane tickets to Honduras are $227 total until May 5th.

C) If you want to join me on a fun 4-day trip to Honduras in June (beach, beach, beach) then email ASAP.