bye for now

I won't be posting for awhile, some things have come up.

Eightball Revival

8 short tasty bites, an homage to one rockin' Jumping Bomb Girl.

1) Some of my favorite cartoon conventions:
-people turning into hamburgers or pizza slices when you look at them. (only applies to island castaways)
-diving into water which turns into ice because the weather changes mid-air. ouch goes your noggin
-mallets make you accordion if they hit just right

2) Facebook will apparently eat MySpace soon. It's already the new hot Canadian thing. I had to get a Facebook profile because I smooch on a Canada. Don't judge me, I bet you do stupid things all the time.

3) True story- I'm applying to get French citizenship because my dad is half-Frenchie. I've never been to the France. I intend to use Didier as my cultural tutor.

4) Virginia Tech's tragedy is all the talk today. Please to visit Mr. Milkman's blog for an interesting perspective.

5) I learned a new expression from a Canadian named Jehan- 'piece of piss.' Use it to mean piece of cake. Example: Performing brain surgery on Didier was a piece of piss!

6) Rebecca and I forgot to have a cozy night this weekend at the Willowdale Ramada Lounge, a Toronto recommendation from everyone's favorite barber. "It's a great place to bring a babe- later, she'll give you whatever you want!" Truthfully, I'd rather ask the Duke lacrosse team for romantic advice.

7) Hey Hippies, it might be time to peel the Animal Rights stickers off your Nalgene bottles. HA HA HA.

8) Countdown to Coachella, I'll be there in two weeks!

Au revoir!

I leave for Toronto early tomorrow morning. I'll leave you with some pictures from our party last weekend, an explosion of spring and my sister's birthday. Click to enlarge. Cheers!

Photo credits, Kyle Thompson

Why not?

For a long time, I've wanted to spend more time discussing the hilarious and bizarre Google searches people use to find my blog. I don't know why this one from today is what inspired me to begin, but there you have it.

You can do it!

Miss Mullin today sent me a list of 30 writing tips from Jack Kerouac that should prove to be invaluable to any aspiring scribe. I was amazed at how hands-on and practical the old beatnik's advice was.

Here's a sampling:
-Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
-The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
-Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
-Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
-Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

And of course my very favorite:
-You're a Genius all the time

Snow Business

Don't despair, ladies and gentlemen, spring is almost here. I'm not sporting my short shorts yet but it's only a matter of time.

But let's flash back less than a week ago, when a weak and ailing winter spewed out some defiant last-minute flakes. The day had been fairly warm but (as boring people would say,) "Don't like the weather in Boston? Wait a minute and it'll change!"

I decided to go outside and take photos to send to loverly Rebecca in Toronto, the Boston of the North. When I left my room, Didier the French fathead was waiting to sink his teeth into my calf like it was a tuna steak. No problem- one swift kick to the ribs and I was on my way.

Careful not to let him out in the snow, I went out and took some magical photos, eyes wide and shiny like a wee cherub. I was so dazzled that I neglected to be careful on the way back in. Didier darted past me, freaked out when he got a little wet, then scooted under a car. Shit.

Despite my love/hate relationship with that French cat, I was not going to let the little bastard freeze to death in the last snow of the year. So I got some kitty treats and crouched under the parked car to entice him out.

Thing is, Didier is no dummy. Whereas Grayskull would follow strangers to the kitty incinerator (remember this?), Didier is French and suspicious. I put a treat in the snow and got excited when he came out and sniffed it. But then he saw me creeping towards him like an eager cartoon villain and he scampered away.

On his second emergence for a treat, I didn't hesitate to pounce. Thing is, Didier was all wet from the snow and angry to boot, making him slippier than a greased pig. He pulled out from under me and I toppled into the half inch of snow. That would be my last effort on the cat's behalf.

As I headed inside, all of a sudden the situation struck me as hilarious. I was soaking wet from snow-wrestling a cat I didn't get along with, not to mention I lost the fight. I started cracking up and soon I couldn't stop. I was probably out there laughing like a crazy for over 30 seconds.

Here is my hair after the wee adventure:

From the mouths of babes, redux

Let me share a few of my favorite lines from Fergie's modern classic, My Humps.

I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these iceys.

I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

And of course:
(Q) What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
(A) I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.

Oh I see

Remember when I talked about my kerayzy co-worker who freaked out about hepatitis at Quizno's? Well I did a little research and um, whoops. Maybe she's not the crazy one.

BOSTON – Marler Clark, the Seattle food safety attorneys, filed a class action lawsuit against Quizno’s Friday on behalf of all individuals who received Immune globulin (Ig) injections after being exposed to the hepatitis A virus at the Quizno’s Subshop located at 74 Summer Street in Boston. The lawsuit, the second class action lawsuit the firm has filed in two weeks on behalf of individuals who received Ig shots, was filed in Suffolk County Superior Court.

That's the very same Quizno's I go to every week or two. Actually let's say, went to every week or two. I wish their sandwiches didn't taste like awesome.

Laying down sand

I'm a little embarassed to tell you guys this. I mean, I don't want to seem egotistical or anything, but I'm kinda becoming a major babe magnet.

I hope Rebecca doesn't get too mad, but a bunch of hotties have been inviting me to be friends on The Myspaces. Ladies and germs, please tuck in your shirts and wipe the mustard off your faces. Have a little class, you're about to meet my new friends,
Kayla
and
Monique.

Don't they seem nice?

Other sweet ladies have reached out to me, but their profiles are always deleted before we get acquainted properly. For some reason I have a good feeling about these two. Maybe it's their trustworthy breasts.

p.s. This Boston city councilman also requested Myspace friendship but I couldn't find his naughty webcam.

1f) Holiday Roundup

This photo was April's Christmas gift to me, mounted on tile with a little hook for wall hanging. She said the pregnant find themselves with lots of excess time for crazy projects (you should see her popsicle stick submarine!) Strangely enough, she seems to have no time at all now that the baby was born. I'll never understand women.

Oops, my face broke. I thought I'd look like one of The Musketeers but instead I became a guy in the parking lot of a Monster Magnet concert. Please scroll down now.

Despite appearances, Cedric the French likes his girlfriend Joanna quite a bit. I think he's just reeling from my Christmas gift- a puppet made of Tabasco sauce and a Fisher Price crossing guard.

Ernie and April got the amazing little gift I brought them from Toronto- a crab that rolls around and bugs his eyes out while singing a Chinese pop song. Look at their enthusiasm! I'm sure Mr. Crabbles isn't in their trash!

What if Desiree was my evil twin sister? I'm just saying.

Desi drinks nectar like a hummingbird. She also floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee.

I'm sorry, you guys look great, but Ron and Sharon are really the beautiful people. Sometimes scary.

Sissy is so proud, she got to be the queen of Christmas.

My mom is mean, she waggles her ears at holiday royalty.

I love her anyway.

"Look, it's fokasha!" Thanks Beth, we almost looked at Rhyland for a second.

My sister gives a little pomp and circumstance to Jon swilling a goblet of Robitussin. The outtakes from this photo shoot were taken in the bathroom.

Beth and Joanna can't resist picking little mites off Grayskull and each other.

My dad sent me this postcard for Christmas, it speaks for itself. However, I would like to mention that my dad plans to start smoking and drinking heavily when he turns 70. He likes to say, "What's it gonna do, kill me?"

Rebecca holidayed in Sydney this year. Her mom is Australian and her dad is the Canadian ambassador (consul) to Australia. Oh-ahsome.

The Rascal

This morning I was driving home after spending the night at my mother's house in Western Mass. As I was about to get on the highway, my mom called.

Mom: Jess, I wanted to call you before you got too far away.
Me: What's up mum?
Mom: You left your cell phone here!
Me: No I didn't, that must be Brie's. (my sister)
Mom: April Fools!
Me: But mom, that doesn't really make sense.
Mom: Why, did you forget today is April 1st?
Me: No, it's just that you had to call me on my cell phone to tell me I forgot my cell phone.
Mom: Did I trick you, just a little bit?
Me: Yeah, good prank.