For April

Here's a photo the infamous 8 pregnant women shower. The only one I care about is Sarah, third from the right. They are standing in order of most to least preggers.

Unrelated shame- You know that Von Bondies song C'mon C'mon? I feel like a frat boy but it's my new favorite jam.

Loose ends

This weekend is imbalanced. Today I am playing frisbee in the park, present-shopping and iced coffee-ing with Alli, drinking beer with Sharon after her haircut, going to Tiff's grad dinner, then dancing at ZuZu. Tomorrow I have NO plans. I need someone else to sit on my see-saw.

Now I will respond to all your comments, probably dating back for months. You gotta give a little to get a little, you know?

Head is hurt-y

Our work software crashed today and we can't do anything besides surf the net. I feel like I'm free-falling into cubicle kookoo pretty damn quick. It doesn't make much sense, but I email and blog more readily when I have work to do. So instead of being productive, I have:

-watched all of Paris Hilton's interview on Larry King. My favorite part was when she told Larry she read the bible every day in prison and he asked what was her favorite passage. "I like all of them."

-watched every YouTube clip of Bill O'Reilly getting spanked by outspoken guests. The best one was Phil Donahue. When did that guy turn from a tepid daytime talkshow host into a roaring left-wing lion? Cheers Phil!

-refreshed my MySpace home page 324 times, in case I got a glowing message or comment they forgot to notify me about.

-visited my sister at a nearby Starbucks, where she was WiFi-ing it up. I couldn't stand being around her too long, it reminded me there's a world of people doing things outside this law firm.

-researched the new quitting smoking drug, Chantix. I'm starting it next week, hopefully it won't turn me into a raving loonie like that Wellbutrin/Zyban nonsense.

Now I'm going to visit an 'Older Singles' site to research men for my mother to date. This is a romantic comedy in the making.

From the Vaults

This post from November '05 is one of my favorites, so I'm going to re-publish it now. Who knows, archived favorites may even become a new feature. (shameless narcisso)

Dreamweaver

When the alarm went off, this is what was happening in my head:
I was walking with my father next to a scraggly, wet, diseased little pigeon, with a tiny head and a big bloated body. My dad pointed and said, "Look at that cute little bird," without a hint of irony in his voice. I said, "Yo dad, get with the program, that bird is foul."

My dad then pointed out that the pigeon was wearing a nifty little Storm Trooper Halloween mask, and wouldn't you know it, he was! I had to admit, that was kind of cute. All of a sudden I realized it must be one of those birds that used to be a person before receiving a wizard's curse. I felt silly for not thinking of it before.

Then when I looked at the pigeon, it was a cute little lamb. It rolled onto its back and I started petting it and scritching its soft li'l belly. It made happy lamb sounds and I felt like a million bucks.

That's when the alarm intruded. I almost didn't go to work.

Spreading the true word

A friend recently pointed out that if you change one letter in my blog address, you get to this site. The first reader to point out which letter is changed gets 100 Internet Points. 100!

Man of Letters, Epilogue

Sister Briana's last day as my co-worker was Friday. She'll spend the summer writing a book about my crazy grandfather, before attending the School of Public Health at BU in the fall (yes I'm proud, don't tell her.) On her last day, she went through all her old work emails and forwarded me some real gems. Remember our old friend Valerie Machinist? Before we took advantage of her free lunches for the first time (of many,) this was our email chain-

Jesse: hey dude, you remember the free Healthy Living luncheon today at noon, right?
Briana: yeah, you coming?
Jesse: ya dude. I hope it's not too healthy.
Briana: we can always buy candy bars or something after to balance it out
Jesse: if they don't have buffalo chicken tenders, I'm going to raise my hand and ask for some buffalo chicken tenders

I hope Valerie doesn't Google herself, I'll probably have to buy her a macrobiotic wheatgrass arugula lunch. p.s. I call my sister dude.

Bonus! Briana also found this picture of the beard brothers grim:

more than a scary chipmunk

hi guys.

-A lot of shitty things are happening to my loved ones. I'm thinking about you a lot.

-Mister Lady is still loose on the streets of Somerville. We got a call on Saturday night, the second spotting. I'm quite worried but let's hope for the best. Grayskull isn't giving up hope, she sits and watches out the window where ML set off on her own. Have you ever read or seen Where the Red Fern Grows?

-I'm playing in a charity soccer tournament Saturday morning. I just bought a pair of flashy shinguards that I'm calling my Silver Surfers. I wish they could conceal the fact that I'm alarmingly out of shape and haven't played the game in over ten years. I'll be fine as long as they let me smoke and eat pork while I play.

-Went to New York last weekend for my friend Emily's 30th birthday. The morning after her party, I woke up alone in the unfamiliar apartment of new friend Dan. I quickly decided he kills waitresses as a hobby
a) because his place was too spotlessly clean.
b) because he liked American Psycho a lot.
c) because I was hungover and wanted to die.

-Emily suggested a Brooklyn brunch spot that ended up being closed by the Department of Sanitation. She loved that place, there was never any line! (rimshot)

-Coming home from the city, Alli and I ran into our old friend Niko. Bus-drunk and overtired, we invented a game. Basically we dictated mock letters to things which can't receive letters. Examples:

Dear (country of) Turkey-
Why was my lunch so expensive? I wasn't very full after I ate.
Love,
Niko

and

Dear subway-
What's that noise?
Love,
Jesse

Niko did a funny voice during the game. We all laughed. The end.

here I am!

click twice on video to start

And then there was one

As the weather gets warmer, we see Didier less and less and less. He seems to be content making his own way in the world, robbing toddlers for catfood money and charming our dumb neighbors with his European wiles. He drops in about once a week, spends five minutes freaking out in the kitchen and makes a beeline for the wild.

So Frenchie is already kind of a write-off, much to Joanna's chagrin. She misses having the old bastard around, and I can relate. I used to have an ill-tempered little demon myself, unable to get along with visitors, yet loved by me. Now Joanna doesn't even get to see her angry little man, and that is triste, as they say in the French.

Now Mister Lady is gone too. Tuesday night, she snuck out my window while I slept. And of the three cats, she is the least ready to contend with the cold, hard world outside. When Grayskull got loose last year, she went to a party, made new friends, and basically had a grand old time on the town.

Mister Lady is lacking in those basic survival skills, she seems to get confused about simple things like "dinner" or "walking." I can picture her hiding in a dumpster for days because she saw a butterfly.

We've gone through all the requisite steps, Craiglist, animal control and fliers all over the neighborhood. Side note- I have no idea how to effectively put up fliers. I place them in weird, hard-to-see spots and I blow my flier load within five minutes. To make myself feel better last night, I thought of worse places I could've posted them- small children, half-eaten lunches, inside trash cans, etc.

I won't be an alarmist like my mother, who told me last night it's pretty certain ML is dead. Yet, I can't help but wonder how long our little shaver can make it in the wilds of Somerville. Keep your fingers crossed.

UPDATE: I got an early morning call from a neighbor who spied what he thinks was Mister Lady. My first thought was, "It's probably just a skunk," but I was also looking for reasons to stay in bed.

Moon Lodge

Someone forwarded me this hilarious Craigslist posting last night. I felt I'd be remiss not to share it with all the empowered spiritual women I know.

Frosted Kentucky

Remember the Kentucky Derby party? At that wild affair, I finally met my old blogfriend Cupcake. She recently wrote her own take on it, read it here.

Odds and Ends

Hi friends. I've been a little busy again, lots of stuff going on. Update:
-So I got the job, it's with the same company I work for now, but with a promotion and a raise. This guarantees I can move to New York. Did I mention I'm moving to New York?

-I had European houseguests this weekend, a German named Edda and an Italian named Luka. Mike told me to be careful, saying "remember what happened the last time those countries formed an alliance?" What a rude thing to say, it's not like there was anyone Japanese at my house. I'll tell you more about these two international characters shortly.

-Coachella is gone but not forgotten. I still want to tell my stories here, even though I'm sure you're well beyond caring. I just want to be able to remember what happened even after heavy drinking corrodes my gray matter. side note- My companero Jon seems to be having similar difficulties finishing the tales.

-Speaking of Jon, here is the first video I've ever uploaded to YouTube, a short clip of him, Kyle, Barry and a rapper named Cody. They played a house party this weekend and it was good stuff. Cheers guys! Sorry the clip doesn't do you justice.


-I went to my friend Sarah's baby shower yesterday because I am a major flamer. I'll tell you more about that soon too. For now, suffice it to say that there were 8 (!) very pregnant women in attendance.

-I think we won't see Didier again.

Stop bragging

So I'm getting flown to New York tomorrow for a job interview. A car is picking me up at the airport with my name on a card. The company is buying lunch. After the interview, I plan to drink until the last shuttle flight to Boston. The end. I'm going to limit details to general showoffiness, in case this blog is found by my lunch-buyers. Of course, if the interview goes disastrously, I'll tell you every aspect of the train-wreck.

New topic. Wanna read fresh blogs? We have two new friends on the scene, proving once and for all that blogging isn't dead- it's wheezing feebly in Hospice!

1) Conversations about one thing, a clever and deceptively simple writing experiment by the mysterious E.

2) 9 Feet Tall, the self-love and self-loathing of my old chum Mike, a well-travelled tart with a talent for talking trash (he just sent me an email that would make a trucker blush.)

The Vinnie Show

Another day, another haircut.

Today Vinnie was more subdued, due in part to the engrossing Star Trek episode on his big screen. He still had a couple of gems for me.

1) "You realize Star Trek is the reason for lots of science we got today? They cured two or three diseases based on things they got from this show." I didn't know what to say.

2) Vinnie told me about his 'lover' Kathy in Florida. Apparently her father doesn't approve of the relationship. So Vinnie recently told Kathy they'd have to "wait for her old man to kick off" before they get serious. Weirdly enough, Kathy then freaked out and got quite angry. Vinnie couldn't figure out what her problem was.

So I said, "Women's crazy, Vinnie!" This got a great reaction, I think I'm learning to speak the language.

Before the summer is through, I will learn why he has a glass eye. This is my promise to you.