Email chain with my mom (Susan) today.

On 1/31/08, Susan H. wrote:

It's been a long time since I've seen a movie as bad as Black Snake Moan. I watched about 1/2 hour, then fast forwarded through to the ending just to see if everybody got married. Really dumb. Poor Danny Glover. I guess Christina Ricci maybe did an ok job, I'm not sure, but what she had to work with was so ridiculous.. she just was expected to lie on the street, on Danny Glover's floor, and on the ground at the football field in her underpants (looking pretty darn sexy I must say in spite of being beaten and thrown in the street). You never really got to know her, or anyone really. Everyone in this movie was like a joke of themselves.

Ridiculous movie. Lots of dumb things. Dumb dialog. Booooring.

Mumma
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From: Jesse
Sent: Thu 1/31/2008 4:33 PM

MOM THAT'S SAMUEL L. JACKSON, NOT DANNY GLOVER!!! I'm calling the NAACP.
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On 1/31/08, Susan H. wrote:

UH OH. THAT SPOILED MY WHOLE TIRADE. FAST FORWARDING DOESN'T HELP IF THAT'S ANY EXCUSE.
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From: Jesse
Sent: Thu 1/31/2008 4:35 PM

you're forgiven, kinda looks like tiger woods and sidney poitier too.
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On 1/31/08, Susan H. wrote:

HA HA. TINA TURNER TOO AND THIS GUY I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL.

went there

I had two books with me on the bus to Boston, a book of esoteric short stories by a semi-obscure author and the Nanny Diaries. I went for the fluff, and didn't hate it. In fact, I was somewhat captivated by the narrator's breezy insouciant charms and her zany misadventures on the Upper East Side. "Oh girlfriend, I KNOW!" Shut up.

I must've been in a certain mood, drunk or something, because I could only enjoy the book on that ONE bus ride. Every time I pick it up now, I want to gouge out my eyes with tacks. Seriously, the book makes me angry for more reasons than the rainbow has colors. Stop being so sassy and all-knowing, stop using words like 'scrumptious' and 'exquisite' and stop pretending to critique the brand-conscious, shallow lifestyle of the upper class when you so obviously envy the goods and services their wealth can afford them!

On the subway I bend the front cover around so no one knows what I'm reading, I hate myself. Make it stop.

A rose by any other

Dilemma- my roommate and old friend A likes to remain anonyme on the Net, which I respect. Most of you know who she is anyway, right?

The problem is, I'm unsatisfied with most pseudonyms.

I don't like A-bomb, I don't like A-Dawg, A is short and potentially confusing, A-Rod is famous sports, Alligator is too revealing.

Okay, how about we call her El Toro on the blog from here on in? It's settled.

hot hot heat

I need brighter lights in my bedroom. Flattering soft tones are inaccurate to predict how things will look under harsh fluorescent glare.

At home, black and gray checked wool slacks looked great with a red and green plaid button-up shirt.

At work, I need oversized shiny rubber shoes and a rainbow wig to pull the outfit together.

I love her

Maria Bamford

born on the backseat

I was going to respond to comments before the weekend but Beth Mullin waits for no man. So it's time to get on the bus for MLK day.

I finished the school essay, 10:20 Tuesday night. Not a bad submission, I may even get in! Did you know Mike Huckabee said he felt just like Seabiscuit when he won the Iowa primary? I hated that guy back before it was cool.

The Bushwick neighborhood blog used a couple of my photos (here and here,) soon words too. Keep looking at the Internet!

Grayskull likes joke

click to enlarge

hi

Crooner Robert Stiel (see below) left a voicemail yesterday about booking him, he sounded sweet and hopeful. Mert and I realized it might be possible to take the prank too far.

Speaking of pranks, someone has gifted me a subscription to Cat Fancy. Thanks stranger!

Today I have to send in my final school application, I'm still finishing the essay. I'll do whatever it takes to distract, including this blog post.

I was supposed to take a seminar tonight on writing procrastination, but I'll have to postpone it. Is that irony?

it escapes me

There is a very creepy security guard in our building, I don't want to inspect his freezer. The other Saturday I came into the office to work on my school application and every time I would go through the dim deserted lobby, he told me loudly how much I look like Chuck Norris.

"No seriously, have you ever seen that guy's movies? I looked at you and thought to myself, 'This guy looks like Chuck Norris and it's more than just the beard.' Hey now, don't beat me up! No I'm kidding I love Chuck Norris, and you look like him..."

Pan camera to me, walking backwards, away from him, with a painful grimace-grin on my face.

Speaking of grimace-grins, happy weekend from my newest internet discovery Robert Stiel! Pictured above, Robert has his German passport, his yellow fever shots, and can be on your boat singing Sweet Caroline within 36 hours! (Mert is waiting for a response to his inquiry on cost.)

riki tiki grayskull

Grayskull took a tampon and slid it under the door to my room while I slept last night. It was on my shoe when I woke up, that's like 100 points in kitty skeeball.

Forget it, Jake.

If you want to do karaoke with your buds, don't go to one of those glitzy high-impact croon parlors where everyone is semi-pro and the waiting list is 3 hours long. Those places will kill your confidence and the drinks are watered down and the douche factor is high. "Hey he sounds just like the dude from Third Eye Blind!"

If you follow my advice, you shan't be disappointed- head to Chinatown for karaoke! I've been doing this for years, ever since we used to visit The Natural ten years ago in Montreal. The appeal of Chinese karaoke is threefold:

1) You can sing lots of songs because the wait is rarely long.

2) Everyone else sings Chinese songs, making you the best (and only) English-language singers, every time! And if you really get into it like rock stars, the crowd often goes crazy.

3) Atmosphere to die for.

When Griff* was in town 2 weeks ago, we (A-bomb, Jenny and SSS) went to an unmarked karaoke bar near the Chinatown fire station, on the recommendation of two dudes in a deli. People were smoking and playing cards for money, the crowd was lively and boisterous. We were the only white folken in the place but no one seemed to care. In fact, we made friends!

Well, kind of. Other patrons slapped our hands and said Happy New Year a lot, but I think we were a bit of a novelty act. I sang both parts (high and low) of Total Eclipse of the Heart and SSS danced and shouted like a Southern preacher to Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. Who wouldn't want to slap our hands?

Other highlights:
-Late in the evening we were pulled onto the dancefloor for a thumping Chinese techno song that lasted two and a half years.

-The video for Papa Don't Preach was people feeding geese in the park.
-When we went home, our clothes reeked of cigarette.

*Griff used to have an online food diary, until the cutthroat nature of the blogosphere took its toll. Gone but not forgotten, G-man.

fair play

Today someone told me what my Boston cubemate Annette really thought of me-
"she went off on this long rant about how you were super moody and always had rancid food lying around."

"What?!!! That is patently false, I am charming and hygienic and full of magic! Someone should shoot her in the neck..."

After 1.5 seconds of shaking my fist and cursing Annette's name, I looked at the paper bag under my desk, containing pasta, cheese and sausage.

Then I remembered how rude I used to be to that woman. Every time she would talk about her precious adorable little newborn snookums daughter, I would ignore her or say something like, "Oh more pictures of Madeleine? Awesome, I wish I was dead. Why is your child so homely?"

Also I am moody.

identity in question

I think this post is about the night I had a head cold at the office holiday party, walked into the ladies room and thought I met Joan Rivers.
Or maybe this post is about Lee Mercer, the tough-talking new Democratic candidate for the White House. In his extensive list of reasons to run for President:

56. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease.

49. To Prove the United States Government killed my sex life, my wife sex life, my daughter-in –laws sex life both may sons and other of my family members sex life with Espionage Experimentation and Espionage Exploitation sex killing.

Actually I think this post is about my personal poet laureate Ruth Gill (Internet Explorers, turn speakers up!)

Kiss off into the air

Do you remember the part in My So-Called Life where Jordan and Angela are about to kiss romantically and for real? Jordan starts talking about his ambitions to be a snow maker in the mountains and Angela says "Like, part-time?" Then they french kiss. That was awesome.

The assumption is that you have seen that television program but maybe you haven't. There are other programs you may have watched instead, like nature programs or programs that help with weight loss and acne.

OH! If you did watch that show, this might make you weep. The other night I got curious about AJ Langer, the actress who played Angela's kick-ass best friend, Rayanne. Why have we never seen her in other stuff? Her acting on the show was good, she has a good face and quirky comic timing, what's the problem?

Maybe she was hindered by her EMPTY SOUL. Press Release (not a joke):

Actress AJ Langer Makes Penta Water Part of Wedding Festivities
June 22, 2005 – Long-time Penta water drinker AJ Langer—an American film and television actress—made sure her favorite bottled water was part of her marriage festivities April 30 in Los Angeles, as well as at a subsequent party at her future home in England, the Powderham Castle.

Langer married the future Earl of Devon, Lord Charles Courtenay. The two plan to eventually live in Powderham Castle in Devon, England, once his parents retire. It has been the Earl's family home since 1390. In Style magazine's October issue will feature photos of this wedding party.

"The wedding day was absolutely magical," said Langer. "I can't tell you how much everyone appreciated the water—especially those dealing with jet lag on their trip out. I had more Penta that day than anything else and I know it kept me going and feeling great!"

Langer, who is diagnosed with fibromyalgia, feels Penta water helps her to deal with her chronic pain.

"One problem that I was able to overcome was the constant feeling of dehydration—even through I drank a lot of water," she said. "I've found that Penta water is very helpful in keeping my body hydrated, which gives me more energy for exercise and for taking care of myself. Penta is the best tasting water I've ever tried. [And] my body craves it."

"For some time now AJ and I have been enjoying the benefits of the Penta water," added Lord Courtenay. "AJ is a keen spokesperson for Penta and praises its hydration qualities, especially through her fibromyalgia awareness work."

Langer is best known for her work on the cult classic television show My So-Called Life. After roles on several television shows, including The Wonder Years, Coach and Seinfeld, she got her breakthrough role, playing Rayanne Graff on My So-Called Life. She also starred on the sitcoms It's Like, You Know... and Three Sisters, as well as the drama Eyes.

News You Can Use

Best. Show.

You guys owe it to yourself to watch these clips from Tim and Eric's Awesome Show. Sometimes I cry from laughing.

Night Steam

Hi all. So my landlord, David D Davidson, saw me naked this morning as I walked to the shower. "Oh hello Jesse, your door it was open." If he wasn't a nine-foot tall filthy Hasidic man, I would say this was the beginning of some hot landlord/tenant porn.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, let me tell you about Night Steam!

Late this November, Triple D had still not turned our heat on. It was so cold one weekend, I had to stay warm by putting a fan in front of the oven and cranking it to 500 degrees. So A-bomb and I each withheld twenty dollars in December rent. Not a lot of money, but it was the principle we were fighting for. We figured he wouldn't want a costly court battle, and odds are we would win (it's very illegal to not have heat that late in the year.)

Well Triple D did not like our little maneuver, but didn't have much of a recourse. So he made the weirdest threat in the world:
"If you want to fight, I can get tough too. Have you ever heard of the Night Steam? I'm within my legal rights to use it on you."
"Excuse me, what's Night Steam?"
"It's a landlord's perogative. I don't have to be a nice guy. You still want to fight over forty dollars?"
"But I don't even know what Night Steam is..."
"So you'll re-consider?"
"Um, no I won't."

Every time I've seen him since, he asks if we've changed our minds about the forty dollars. "No David, we're gonna be keeping that money." He then says okay and walks away with his head hung down.

Still don't understand the Night Steam threat. Sounds like a movie on Cinemax at 2am. Thoughts?