some girls are sophistic

I'm off to Boston, after this I want to stay in New York for a long time. Too much travel lately. Bye all!

(thanks for the funny graphic Maureen)

lyin on the beach perpetratin a tan

I keep lists of things on my hand sometimes, the poor man's PDA. Recently written on my left hand, on a very busy day:
-gout
-Guy Torry
-FAFSA
-square tomatoes

every dark tunnel has a light of hope

Beth Mullin has a teen cousin named Sam, who recently took up smoking. I left him a Facebook comment this week that will change the course of his life:
Hey man, there's nothing 'cool' about them cancer sticks! You should get your 'high' from skateboarding and the electric guitar.

I was young once, I know how it is.

come sit next to me you fine fellow

So I'm going to be in an MTV commercial, filming Sunday afternoon. I'll tell you more about that later, for now I'll tell you about my mother's reaction on the phone.

J: Mom, I'm going to be in an MTV commercial!
M: Oh Jess that's so great, I'm happy for you. Are you nervous?
J: Not really, it's just a fun lark.
M: I hope you don't get nervous when you get there, it'll be hard to act natural.
J: I think I'll be okay.
M: I remember when you used to have a radio show, you never sounded natural to me. Sometimes you end up over-thinking things and then...
J: Okay mom, that's a wrap.

okay smarty, go to a party

Last night I made stir fry with chicken, peppers, onions, brown rice, strawberry jam, dijon mustard, ginger and soy. Weirdly, it lacked flavor. Nice pepper picture though.

standing on the wall like you was poindexter

Oh Yes. My weekend in Wisconsin was great, I got to see everybody I wanted to except Craig, who planned a big snowstorm just to spite me.

We were going to see Hillary Clinton in Madison Sunday night but she cancelled due to inclimate weather. Bad move Hill, America expects her candidates to be adventurous and brave. Like this Hillary!

I really wanted to snowshoe across Madison like a real Wisconsinite but was told that "only idiots from New York would snowshoe in this kind of snow." I never want to be an idiot. Like, ever.

This year broke EVERY snowfall record in Madison. Great vacation spot eh?

At karaoke one night, I sang House of the Rising Sun and Bust a Move. T-Roz did an inspired version of Voices Carry (did anyone else think the lyrics to that tune were "Oh, Take me downtown, Richard Scarry?") SSS did Time after Time and something else and other friends also sang things. I am a master storyteller, by the way.

One nine-year-old girl sang Shakira and thrust her hips around like a little sexpot while her cowboy dad looked on proudly. An ancient gentleman sang Bob Marley's Stir it Up like a champ, probably he smokes mad blunts and gets 'blazed.'

I learned how to play euchre at this bar. Maureen and I got creamed by Charlie and SSS because I was acting like a jerk and earning bad karma. I was even rude to my own teammate, at one point saying "Sometimes I wonder if we're playing the same game here." She burst into tears and hit me with a cheese.

Our flights were delayed two and a half hours both leaving and returning to New York. SSS said he always makes planes late, it's his curse. I think he needs a new hobby. Luckily my old friend Katie Derksen stopped by the Milwaukee airport in the middle of hosting a dinner party to keep us company. p.s. check out Katie's awesome photo blog!

Also there is a great used bookstore in the MKE airport with a dusty old gentleman proprietor and a great selection. It is sandwiched in between a Harley Store and the Miller BrewPub, very odd and incongruous. SSS got a $35 copy of Don Quixote made of solid gold.

Long post, let me throw in some pictures for flavor.

Maureen and Charlie wave a snow flag to and fro. I had never heard of these things, I guess you use them to cross the road in a storm. p.s. Charlie is 48 and looks 12. He is also the guy who anonymously subscribed me to Cat Fancy magazine. He's a good man.

Some of my favorite people in the world, say hello to the Mauston crew, clockwise from me: Teri, Chuck, Harvey, Gail, Elise, Bob, Carrie, Carrie's daughter Rylan (sp?) and Linda. Awesome to see you guys, thanks for the pig-cow!

SSS blends New York (obnoxious talking on cell phone) and Wisconsin (relaxed munching on cheese curds) at the MKE airport. Traveling with this guy was wicked fun, by the way. Cheers homes!

meet me in mwk

Valentine's Day was fine, despite a couple of goodbyes. I bought lilies. Ooh, my buddy Azi popped the big one to his lady last night. Look how happy!

This evening I'm heading to Milwaukee with SSS, we are playing a game called French Fur Trader, where we grow massive facial hair and use snowshoes and drink rubbing alcohol. It is one degree in Wisconsin right now. See you next week! Unless SSS kills me and wears my skin for warmth!

recant

Hi everybody, yesterday's post was a little vitriolic, let me soften things up with a special e-card for all my friends and etceteras.







Happy VD!

bloody valentine

Remember Jesse Hirs(c)h de Toronto? He sent me an email this morning with the subject header the motherf**ker forgot to invite us!

The email was this link.

My Toronto brother is correct, this man has broken the sacred Jesse Hirsch Code. We are a warm and welcoming little club, but if you turn your back on us, good night nurse.

Time for a savage international beating.

Pas Possible!

As any of you who have slept with me know (great way to start a blog post,) I have a fan problem. Meaning, I need an electric fan two feet from my head in order to catch z's. This can cause:
-chapped lips
-dry mouth
-winter chills
-sleepover inconvenience

How about death? A new friend informs me that many South Koreans believe leaving a fan on overnight causes asphyxiation.

I assumed she meant that it's an old wive's tale, part of Korean mythology. But no, apparently in South Korea (and nowhere else in the world,) it is a commonly held scientific fact that fans cause death in sleeping people. All electric fans there are sold with timers to prevent accidentally leaving them on all night. Read this Summer Safety press release from the Korean Consumer Protection Board. Bananas!

I'm off to catch a late show of There Will Be Blood, I may be the last holdout. Hope you're all sparkling, it's a good weekend.

The top five recurring accidents are ▲ asphyxiation from electric fans and air conditioners ▲ children’s asphyxiation inside cars ▲ explosions inside cars ▲ air conditioner explosions and ▲ sanitary accidents at home.

just a turn-down day

-This morning I woke up at 6am because SSS has a new schedule and leaves our house real early. No problem, back to sleep, except. Grayskull decided it was a good morning to hurl herself repeatedly at my bedroom door, shattering the quiet as if she'd been shot out of a cannon. After each hurl, she would make a plaintive mewl, as if to say, 'Look. If you let me in, things can be sweet again.' I ended up locking her in our tiny dark bathroom, El Toro accused me of kitty abuse.

-On the way into work I bought a crappy bacon wrap from Starbucks, totally forgetting we had free pancakes for employee appreciation or Lent or something.

-My pants have a weird shimmery quality.

-Chase Bank decided to deny me access to all my funds until Monday. Completely random. They say there is no problem with my account but that won't stop them from enforcing a decision made by a robot or a monkey at Chase HQ. I have zero dollars for the weekend.

-My beard itches.

-One of the schools I applied to lost part of the application. Fixable, but annoying.

Okay, now that I've written out all my little first-world woes for you to read, it seems like things aren't so bad after all.

I'm going to meet my old friend Sylvie for drinks and I'm sure the whiskey will wash away the rough edges. Big Baby Jessles needs a pacifier.

rebel yell revisited

Hi, I recently spent a night at a ramshackle inner-city hospital with a sick friend, slept all day, then came into work for a night shift. Felt like a confused squid. Here are some pictures from the last month of my life. bye.

A bagel with cream cheese, coffee and an orange juice for $2.65. Not bad considering it is the ONLY place to get food near the hospital in Bed-Stuy at 5am. Too bad the bagel comes with cream cheese pre-inserted, like these foul confetti hair favorites.

Familiar?

Don't be afraid to dream big.

You know the perennial barroom favorite Big Buck Hunter? That game where you shoot the shit out of big-eyed deer? In Wisconsin, I was a pro. Near Madison Square Garden, I got my clock cleaned. Do you ever hate your friends?

My not-lover Maria Bamford has a funny bit about the myth of the crazy office. In this photo my supervisor gets his eyebrows trimmed in his cubicle. Yesterday there were two skanky Russian models in our office, yelling at T that they specifically requested pink handbags. At the risk of alienating Maria, I'm gonna say my office may qualify as a little odd.

Jenny took me jeans shopping recently, made me throw out my old ones. Just like reality TV. RIP Gap baggy-fit.

Who likes to party?!!!

At another hockey game recently, this joker's friends were all rooting for the opposing team. I felt bad for him and made A-Swid give him cheese product.

Danno and I stumbled upon some unexplained detritus in the corner of a bar. Possibly magic treasure, possibly medical waste.

I'm still kicking myself that we didn't cut up the words in this temporary tattoo, spelling something hilarious and subversive like "She Moos".

Sign subversion near my neighborhood lumberyard. It's kinda true, there is fecal matter everywhere on that block.

I used to get along with all my teeth

After extensive dental work today, it seems one of my teeth has been sculpted into a sharp lethal dagger. If I lightly graze it with my tongue, I lose eight or nine taste buds. I am scared of this tooth, it is quite menacing. What if it decides to turn against me while I sleep? Or Grayskull? (I'm not worried about El Toro, she'd eff my rogue tooth up.)

Ooh, related story. Some years back, I was an Americorps teacher in New Mexico. One day in summer school, I led a writing exercise with a small group of second graders. I asked questions aloud and the kids attempted to write answers in complete sentences.

Question: What are you scared of?

The kids had a pretty standard group of responses- clowns, Pokemon, boogers, etc. But one girl, sweet little Brianna Ortega, came from left field with, "I'm scared of Jesse."

Follow-up question: Why are you scared of this?

Seven-year-old Brianna was quick on the draw. "I am scared of Jesse because he has sharp teeth."

rasa

hectic week, no time for captions, comments or regular posts. I'm in Westport (?) for the weekend but I promise to be a better scribbler on my return. cheerce.