5) Just put your lips together and blow

From the vault:
When I was about five, I was out with my family at a fancy restaurant. The saucy waitress took a shine to me and after she took our order, she told me with a wink, "If you need anything, just give me a whistle."

I loved that option, and as soon as she left the table I started 'whistling' to beat the band, just because I could. I didn't need anything from her except attention. God help us if I was ever exposed to the airplane button that summons a stewardess.

Fortunately I had no idea how to whistle, so the waitress never heard me. I sat there with my face getting all red, blowing noiseless air through my lips. I vowed right then to educate myself in the ways of the whistle.

Now, almost 25 years later, I still can't do more than mimic steam escaping from a radiator. That's why it's a dangerous idea for me to ever make New Year's resolutions or false promises on this blog. My follow-through needs a swift kick in the pants.

Frown

hi all. I can't believe that one of the perks of my job isn't "blogging with impunity." I've spent the last two days...(wait for it, wait for it) working! I'm so sick of this fascist post- 9/11 regime. Is this not America?

I can't wait to have time to write more. I'm saving up a serious supply of stories and observations.

Full disclosure: Any free time on the Internet I've been using to email Rebecca, Alli and Beth. If you have a problem with this blog black hole, please contact them and my employer. Definitely not me.

Bloggus Interruptus!

We got so slammed with work today that I was not able to slack off and blog like I wanted. I won't be able to finish when I get off work either, because it's the CD release party for Carina's band. I'll finish this marathon tomorrow. With bonus posts!

6) Knock your socks off

Rebecca and I like to pretend dirty talk. Conversation before work this morning:

R: I'm just putting on my socks.
J: Ooh, are they hot socks?
R: Well, they're sexy fishnets with the holes filled in.
J: Oh so...they're socks?
R: You got it, big boy.

Rrrrow.

7) Here comes the bride

Rebecca sent me this brilliant clip about a bride freaking out on her wedding day. Wait about a minute and a half and it gets hi-larious!

It reminds me of a book launch we attended in Toronto for one of Rebecca's friends. The launch celebrated this compilation of nightmare stories about poorly behaved bridesmaids.

At the event, they had onstage competitions to win copies of the book. When they played "Pin the Penis on the Groomsman," they asked the audience for volunteers. Guess which Canadian comedienne shot her hand in the air and pushed up front to the stage? Rebecca pinned the penis on the groomsman's elbow but I'm still quite proud.

8) Sass squad

I must admit, I haven't been keeping up on the lingo of the youngsters. Most of my knowledge of pop culture comes from Laffy Taffy wrappers and YouTube clips of the Bad Girls Club.

So maybe my savvy readers can help. When I came back from Toronto, everyone in my office was saying the same insipid catchphrase- Haterade. Example:
"Could you guys quiet down, I'm on a long-distance phone call."
"Sounds like somebody drank their Haterade today!"

Over and over and over. My question to you is, have you ever heard this bon mot before or is it a creation of my office? I don't want to ask a co-worker and seem like I actually care. Before you know it, I'll be joining them for Jager shooters at J.J. Foley's and dishing on who gets sucked off in the records room. Gross.

Side note: When looking for the Bad Girls Club website, I came to the homepage of the Oxygen Network. All of a sudden a woman was talking to me openly about her vagina. Then her vagina started talking like Mickey Mouse. Gross.

9) Well-chiseled jaw

Jon jon milkman shaved off his beard while I was in Toronto. I thought it looked pretty good, accentuating hidden features I never knew existed. I don't think he knew how to take it, though, when I told him he looked like a face on Mount Rushmore.

This (inevitably) led me to think about how many times someone has had to climb up that mountain to scrub grafitti off the faces. "George Washington is a fag." "Teddy Roosevelt poops."

10) Tip your waitress

As I was falling asleep last night, I thought of a joke about the previous post.

I thought that was Paris Hilton but she seemed to have too much personality!

Get it? Cardboard? Guys? Hey, wait up...

Yes, that is a post. I made no promises about quality or length.

You can do it, put your back into it.

Tomorrow, here, 10 posts. Sunup to sundown. For now, please say hi to Rebecca and her friend Paris Hilton (photo courtesy Us Magazine.) You always see these entertainers hanging out!

Good night, anybody who still reads this. Monday morning.

A Bit More

The Washington Post wrote a pretty good obituary for Oliver here.

Sour Times

My uncle Oliver died of cancer this weekend. My sister and I travelled to New York and managed to see him before he went off life support. He wasn't conscious but we're still really glad we went. It was really good to be around everyone who loved this amazing man. There were actually so many well-wishers at the hospital that security tried to kick us out, saying there had been complaints. Luckily my dad laid down the law and told the security guy where to get off.

Anyway, this has been pretty difficult and surprise surprise, I don't feel like blogging. Tomorrow I go to Toronto until late next week so I wouldn't expect any bloggery until then. Bye friends.

Here is the first draft of Oliver's obituary:
After a long difficult struggle with multiple myeloma, Oliver Hirsch, 60, died Monday afternoon at St. Vincent's Hospital in Manhattan.

Hirsch was exhibitions director of the Raices Latin Music Collection, teacher of Exhibition Design in the Graduate Program at New York University and owner of the fine arts services firm Hirsch and Associates. Without a formal education, Hirsch began his work in visual arts as a picture framer, quickly gaining skills and knowledge to propel him where he is today. At Hirsch and Associates, he has handled the work of a host of well-known and respected artists, ranging from Jim Henson to Keith Haring to Chris Ofili.

Hirsch was retained by the world-renowned auction house Christie's to develop an art-handling training program for its more than 250 employees responsible for storing, cataloguing and presenting the priceless artifacts in Christie's care. In this role, he co-authored Christie's Guide to Art Handling, and lectured Christie's staff on a regular basis.

Hirsch's political life was no less extraordinary than his professional work. An Air Force officer during the Vietnam War, Hirsch made headlines when he and eight fellow officers, the "Nine for Peace," went AWOL as a form of protest over the increasing escalation of violence in Vietnam. He was prominently featured in the recent award-winning documentary Sir No Sir, a movie about war resisters within the US armed forces.

After being thrown out of a military stockade with a bad discharge in 1968, Hirsch helped establish GI Help, a San Francisco-based counseling service to help soldiers avoid going to vietnam. Hirsch later took revolutionary politics to the mills of the pacific northwest and to the coal mines of West Virginia, where he worked as a miner for five years during the wildcat strike movement of the 1970s. Hirsch remained politically engaged until the end, and regarding his role during the vietnam war, he said he was "proud and unrepentant."

Holiday Roundup, Part One

Man, I don't know why I'm suffering from such a huge blog block, but it took wayyyyy too long to get these photos up from New Years. Sorry everybody, let's never discuss it again.

Anyways, the story is this- a group of Bostoners made a trip to the New York for a New Year's party at our friend Emily's house. It was awesome and over-the-top, through and through. I stayed up until 4:00am and 5:00am on the two nights I was there, making me feel like a kid again! An aching, bleary, hungover kid!

The first night in NYC, Alli and I travelled 45 minutes on the train to go to one of the worst bars in the world called Bourbon Street. In case you don't notice, there's a girl dancing in short-shorts on the bar. Not to mention bras and thongs hanging on the wall. Disgusting. I was so offended, I elbowed people out of the way to get a picture.

Call me old-fashioned and prudish, but I get my kicks from male camaraderie. Also screaming. On a side note, does anyone else think Berry looks like Mark Ruffalo?

This is a wombat I saw in a Brooklyn liquor store. I thought Rebecca might be interested. Everyone else can keep moving, nothing to see here.

This is a cat in a trash can. When I first showed up at Emily's house, she handed me Miss Kitten and told me to dispose of her. I took this photo in case Em ever makes a Congressional run so I can reveal her dark abusive past.

Mose is making a provocative pose at Em's party but my slender, well-groomed wrist (far right) really steals the show here.

New Year's Eve involved a tunnel with a shaky ladder, leading to a gorgeous roofdeck with a view of the fireworks. One of the fun games was to pour scalding cups of motor oil onto people climbing the ladder. "Hey Joanna, look out below!" Oh the laughs.

Despite the third-degree burns on her face, Joanna forgave me for my prank. That's the New Year's spirit!

Rooftop fun with sparkle. This photo was taken seconds before midnight. Not pictured- Rebecca, whose little voice was coming out of my cell phone all the way from Australia!

The only downside to the weekend's festivities was that Berry and our friend Rob got jumped on the street by dumb punks looking for trouble. I suspect it had something to do with their Red Sox hats, but I don't really know. Poor Rob got his eyebone broken, but in this clever bit of Photoshop magic, Alli converted pain into a party invite. Cheers A-dawg!

Stay tuned for more holiday photos at this web address!

Lest Old Acquaintance Be Forgot

Jesse and Cedric the French would like to thank all 3 readers for their continual support and patience through Confetti's off-blog phases. They would also like to make an outright promise that tomorrow you will see some fun pictures from New York Weekend, '06-'07. Until then...

p.s. A special New Years thank you to my sponsors, Burrelles Luce!