5) Just put your lips together and blow

From the vault:
When I was about five, I was out with my family at a fancy restaurant. The saucy waitress took a shine to me and after she took our order, she told me with a wink, "If you need anything, just give me a whistle."

I loved that option, and as soon as she left the table I started 'whistling' to beat the band, just because I could. I didn't need anything from her except attention. God help us if I was ever exposed to the airplane button that summons a stewardess.

Fortunately I had no idea how to whistle, so the waitress never heard me. I sat there with my face getting all red, blowing noiseless air through my lips. I vowed right then to educate myself in the ways of the whistle.

Now, almost 25 years later, I still can't do more than mimic steam escaping from a radiator. That's why it's a dangerous idea for me to ever make New Year's resolutions or false promises on this blog. My follow-through needs a swift kick in the pants.