Early Retirement

I used to work at a gourmet ice cream parlor called Herrell's. Steve Herrell*, the eccentric millionaire owner, used to have a bunch of standard jokes. Examples-
Customer: So is business expanding Steve?
Steve: Not as quickly as my waistline!

Employee: I don't feel like _____ (cleaning the freezer, killing rats, etc.)
Steve: Well maybe I won't feel like signing your paycheck on Friday!

At some point Steve realized his jokes were so standardized that he could put them in a spreadsheet. In fact, that's exactly what he did. He created a time-saving list of jokes so he wouldn't have to repeat himself all the time. "Please reference Joke #79, Re: hot fudge."

Personally I think this was a bad idea. Humor is best served fresh (much like delicious homemade ice cream!)

Thing is, I have a lot of old standbys myself, jokes to rely on when I feel lazy and unimaginative. I would like to use my blogspot to say goodnight to these musty relics. My theory- if I say them out loud here, I will be embarassed to use them in the future. Please keep in mind I have dozens of these; this may be a new feature.

1) 'Bless you.' This isn't really a joke. People say bless you all the time when someone sneezes, rarely followed by laughter. Thing is, I say it after someone burps, a clever re-working of the classic sneeze! Maybe not so clever. Variation: sometimes I grab someone's burp out of the air, then I blow it away and pretend I'm making a wish.

2) 'Leave them in the car with the window a crack down and a dish of water.' How I've gotten so much mileage out of this one, I'll never know. It started as a joke about taking old people to the mall, funny because it makes them seem like dogs. Since then I expanded it to include anyone who waits in the car.

3) 'Oh, they grow up so fast.' I like to use this one whenever a child does something particularly nasty. I say it with a doting nostalgiac tone which is totally out of place. Like when my little cousin recently posted a MySpace bulletin about fucking.

4) Anything Borat says. I don't do much Borat impersonation but I'd like to entreat people everywhere to shut the hell up. You are ruining everything. Footnote: this post from Jon's brother.

5) Tucking imaginary hair behind my ears, saying 'Right on,' then nodding my head like a goon. This is an ollllld favorite, I've been doing it for many years. Odds are that anyone who knows me in real life has seen this little number in action, usually in response to some stoner idiocy.

Say goodbye folks, there's a new Jesse in town.

*if you get a chance, check out the'About Me' section on Steve's profile page. It is GD hilarious.