Best Laid Plans

I am no stranger to the Secret Santa gig. In fact, longtime readers will recognize me as something of an old pro on the SS circuit. But now, something has gone horribly awry.

This year, my randomly chosen recipient is the New Guy, C.J. Somethinggreekatrakias. Because he is new, I have not assessed his character well enough to determine what he likes. Honestly, it's probably for the best that I don't really know him yet so I can still manage to respect him. That means I won't just buy him a scented candle from a gas station and wrap it up in Subway napkins.

I have a bit of a quandry here, deciding what to get for this complete stranger. These are the things I knew before yesterday:
-He's short, like Fievel Mouse.
-He dresses flashy, like Prince.
-He has a soul patch, like I always wanted (until I found out girls hate them.)
-He's Greek, like Nicole. (funnylady EdithVed suggests they should date. I suggest EdithVed should date a mealworm.)
-He smokes cigarettes, like a cowboy.
-He makes jokes, like a funny guy, but not that funny.

So I wasn't about to buy him a silk tie or a Gyro, I don't know his cigarette brand, and I don't have much else to go on. Then yesterday I found myself in casual conversation with the chap and lo and behold, I got some SS ammunition! During a bit of water cooler chitchat, he let it slip that he's from New Hampshire and that he's kind of embarassed about it. Well, he seems to like jokes and I'm kind of a jerk, so I decided to get him some "I Love New Hampshire" gear.

When I went on Ebay and typed in "New Hampshire souvenirs," I was immediately greeted with two hot options.
1)A set of 3 New Hampshire beer steins
2)A set of 3 New Hampshire license plates, made at the State Prison, one of which was fashioned into an ashtray.
I assume he drinks because he's in his mid-twenties in Boston. Plus he's short. And I already know he's a smoker- perfect! I made immediate bids on both Ebay packages.

Well someone outbid me on the beer steins last night while I was taking the train home, so that's a wash. But I've still got the license plates, right? Um, today I decided to give my new prize a closer inspection:


All of a sudden, I realized those words are vaguely familiar. I'm a bit rusty on my prison vernacular, so I looked up the license plate words in the urban slang dictionary.
Quim- Female genitalia. from the Welsh "cwm" (valley)
Twink- A term often used in homosexual circles to describe a man with a smooth, youthful, only slightly-muscular, physique.

The conclusion? Unless I want a sexual harassment lawsuit instead of a holiday bonus, I cannot give these vulgar things at our office Christmas party in front of the bosses and everyone else. So now I am the proud owner of two hand-crafted novelty plates from the New Hampshire state prison. And I still have no idea what to get CJ the Greek.

The End.