The Dark Side
During the 2004 elections, I made my co-workers snicker by pretending I was a candidate. I always said I was "running on a platform of delicious food." They chuckled for awhile but maybe after a month I should've come up with a new joke.
I digress.
I've spent a fair amount of time discussing foods that I find delicious. But for the most part, you're all in the dark about foods I loathe. Let's kick off the weekend with a little hate:
White chocolate- Essentially the opposite of dark chocolate, which is tasty. I have tried over and over again to enjoy this shit so I wouldn't feel weird at white chocolate parties. No dice.
Corned beef- Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if there weren't all those stringy tendons and gristlebits. It makes me feel like a caveman. A grossed-out caveman. (An interesting caveat is that I've loved corned beef hash ever since I lived in rural Wisconsin. I think it's possible to love an end product without enjoying its individual parts. Mmmm, sausage...)
Stewed tomatoes- Crush 'em up, make a sauce, whatever, I'm good to go. But why anyone would put something in their mouth with a texture that so readily stimulates the gag reflex? It was a rough childhood. Mom, this will require some therapy.
Horseradish- I used to hate mayonnaise, now I practically use it as toothpaste. Well, to keep the eternal yin and yang in balance, I had to start hating horseradish, which I used to love.
Goat cheese- I'll feed a goat some pellets at the petting zoo. I'll scruff the little devils under the chin. Hell, they can even eat my trash. But I'll be gosh darned if I'll put that putrid oily funk in my mouth just because it's supposed to be gourmet.
posted by jesse @ 5:12 PM
17 Comments:
I really don't see the appeal of goat cheese. It's like they made the cheese from something the goat threw up. Even the smell of it makes me a little queasy.
I was one of your co-workers in 2004 -- unless you're refering to your stint as a towel boy at the Geisha Bath House in Madison -- and I have absolutely no recollection of this. Are you sure it was you? are you many people in one?
I do like goat cheese though and practically the only thing I remember about you is that you took some cute shots of goats.
All of those non-delicious foods are so not delicious --- except for the horseradish... more for me!
Sue As I recall, you were at your desk when Jesse made said comment. BTW, thanks for the picture of Drew and I... it defines our siblinghood. More importantly, I laughed my ass off.
T Rex ..
It's obviously something to do with the fact of my combining huge amounts of homemade acid with a smidgeon of some very gnarly homebrew of meth .. I'm talking, like made with generic cold meds instead of Sudafed .. but I gotta take what I can get.
you're kind of a picky eater for someone who regularly stocks his man purse with styrofoam containers full of unrefridgerated meat/cheese/mayo salads.
-smiley emoticon
ok. i agree with the white chocolate - it's just crap. i agree with the corned beef to a degree (although, i'd probably eat it if it were smeared in lots of mustard and just happened to be sitting in front of me). however, i still enjoy goat cheese. i didn't used to, but it IS pretty darn good on pretzels.
ps- i definitely just saw you eat goat cheese. It was all over that delicious slice of spinach pizza. i guess we all need a little putrid oily funk in our lives occasionally eh?
um yeah, I don't think so, Ved. give me a bit of credit for knowing the difference between feta and funk.
And Sue, probably the reason you can't remember my deliciousness campaign is that you were voting a straight gross ticket.
feta is funk: http://www.foodreference.com/html/ffetacheese.html
what'd you think it was made of? what good is having a greek girlfriend if she won't even school you on what their food is made of?
"Feta is traditionally made of sheep's or goat's milk, though today large commercial producers often make it with cow's milk."
I can taste goat a mile away. That pizza was funk-free.
Jesse - what is a "straight gross ticket."? is that some sort of arcane political reference?
remember the tasty Chinese food from election night?
do you also hate lamb? if you hate goat cheese, you should hate lamb. it tastes the same. ugh, especially with that disgusting mint jelly. i think mint jelly should have made your list. (sidenote: i used to hate goat cheese and now i LOVE it)
Myself, I like all of the foods you hate. I guess it comes from being poor. When you are hungry and I mean really hungry, because whatever money you had you used to buy your cat some food, you will eat anything. Even Swiss chard, which is gross and is like cooked spinach, but is fairly edible with some vinegar and salt on it. One cannot be poor and picky, or one will starve. When I get rich I will be picky, but will most likely exclude people I dislike from my life instead of food stuffs. And that wasabi horseradish mayonnaise they make now rocks!
swiss chard is NOT gross. it is delicious, and less bitter than spinach. also it comes in pretty colors (usually red, but sometimes "rainbow" which consists of orange, yellow, red and purple).
You told me to post, so I guess I will. Around election time last year, I was also known to "speechify" the occasional pedestrian announcment, such as "Fellow Americans, the time for lunch is at hand." and so on. Anyway, I don't know what your objection to white chocolate is. I think you just object to it being grouped with other chocolates. If it were called "white creamy smooth stuff" you'd probably like it just fine. And to sad sue: a "straight ticket" is one in which you vote for all candidates along a single issue, or membership such as "straight Democratic ticket" or "straight pro-life ticket". So if you vote for a "straight gross ticket" it means you only support candidates who like Michael Gross' roles in Tremors and all of it's sequels.
-Charles
that charles guy is hilarious. michael gross ...
yes charles, I think we're all in agreement that you're a clever chappie. Perhaps it's time to start writing your daily wry observations on a personal Web-log. It helps ward off persistent feelings of solitude and desperation...
Heh heh, only kidding. Just Jesse the Funnyman here, yukkin' it up.
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