Red is Danger
1) It has been three days since I returned from the Cape and my back remains Kool-Aid red and teeth-grind painful. My sunburn has a sunburn.
2) I have a red and blue warmup wristband, similar to the one on the right, sans 'pimpjuice.' It was a gift from SSS and I suspect it gives me power. At breakfast the other day, I saw another dude wearing one, except he had a hipsta glint in his eye. I suspect he thought himself the pinnacle of irony. At one point our gazes met and he looked down in shame. Wear it with pride, mofo!
3) I have a list of jokes that boring people make. Two examples:
-Someone leaves, says goodbye, then comes back because they forgot something. Boring guy says, "Hey hey, look who's back!"
or
-Someone is carrying flowers. Boring guy says, "For me? You shouldn't have!"
Do you have any standard duds for my joke list?
4) A famous Canadian just got more-so. Keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming Cheer detergent commercial, where said comedienne will have a silent role as 'the wife.' Let me know if you see it; I don't watch much TV.
p.s. it strikes me that all my exes are becoming wives.
5) I took a major hit at work for saying 'Applebee's is delicious.' I unapologetically love that crappy chain. Maybe it's because it was the height of fine dining when I lived in Wisco. Maybe it's because I drank their green beer on St. Patty's Day with Jon and my sister. Maybe it's because Blooming Buffalo Mozzarella-Oreo Shooterstm rule. Whatever the reason, I got real sad when my co-workers said things like "Applebee's tastes like throw-up, which is gross." Everyone was laughing and Jonny wouldn't even back me up. Hurt.
Time to go drink wine!
posted by jesse @ 8:35 PM
13 Comments:
I love being referenced in the blog with near anonymity! It's like hiding behind a door, watching someone eat something that I made. They say, "Man, this is a-MAZ-ing bread! Did you make this?" And the other dude is like, "No, --. did."
It does lend power.
They call him METEOROLOGIST: he can look at a girl and tell whether.
They call him MAGICIAN: he walks down the street and turns into a saloon.
They call her BEAN: anyone can string her.
I call her COMMUNIST: all the fellows get their share.
I think these are jokes a 'boring guy' or 'grandpa' would make (about your life). Or like, 'he enters a bar optimistically and comes out misty optically'. Jokes that end up with an elbow to the rib.
sss- Your gift of simile knows no bounds, sss. In this comparison, you are --.
rile-o- Jokes like that really tickle my ribs, I wouldn't mind having an Uncle Grandpa like that. I'm thinking more about boring people in cubicles who send around email forwards of cute cats taking baths.
standard dud joke:
dud in cubicle says as you exit the restroom, "everything come out alright?"...yuckyuck.
slam dunk!
I was all about showing you Wisco's fine dining spots and instead you were all, "Give me Applebee's or give me death!"
Dude, I'm there with you.
Applebees is good. It's not haute cuisine, but smother anything with bbq sauce and fried cheese and it will taste delicious.
I have a friend who hates them because they microwave their steak. You don't order steak there; you order poppers and bacon covered things.
seventh- you're right, I chose applebee's over chi-chis.
joshua- proper.
Christ Jesse, Applebee blows ass, you coulda had a Bob's Bad Breath Burger, and you chose that? Olive Garden is really good too ...
A skeleton walked into a beer, and said, gimme a beer and a mop.
Sue, if the Weary Traveller was in the Dells, I would've gone there. Madison is a whole 'nother ballgame.
Three people are lounging around. One person says, "I'm hungry." Someone agrees by saying, "Me too." The other one chimes in, "Me three."
No, not you three. You ass.
You didn't comment on the skeleton joke. Boring, or oddly edgy? It is the only joke I know, besides my salary.
sss- now you're talking
sue- I was just embarassed to admit I kinda like that one
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