Going to the Chapel

Two weekends ago, I attended the wedding of a nice vegematarian couple from around the way, Scott and Amy (see pic*.) With the open bar reception, there was the predictable dancing, schmoozing and drunken hijinks. I'd still like to give a few highlights:

- Our cab driver couldn't find the wedding hall, driving around the same five blocks for almost 20 minutes. I wasn't too worried, I figured it was an anarchist wedding, they wouldn't start at six on the dot, right? Wrong.

Me, Beth, Julio and Jenny walked in while Amy and Scott stood on stage looking in each other's eyes, listening to words of wisdom from the master of ceremonies (preacher?) And just like in the movies, everyone in the room swivelled around to look at the assholes who couldn't manage to be on time.

- In a brilliant kiss-off to tradition, the happy couple made it a potluck wedding. I brought a batch of my world-famous enchiladas, but I didn't stuff them with pork giblets, in honor of the veggie couple. Thing is, the potluck line moved so fast, I didn't get any of my own creations!

In fact, by the time I went through the line, there was only one portion left of every dish. Of course, this meant I snagged everything before some aggressive auntie could beat me to it. I turned at one point and apologized to the dude behind me for my greed. I was pleasantly surprised when the guy (a stranger) retorted with a wan smile, "That's okay, the secret ingredient of that lasagna is diarrhea." I liked his joke but told him that was one word I hadn't expected to hear on a wedding night. I kid you not, within a half hour two other people randomly brought up diarrhea. That shit is cosmic.

- After the wedding we all went to a lame nearby sports bar. I managed to make a huge scene by knocking over a deli tray of 100 finger sandwiches I was bringing home from the wedding. Only a few touched the ground but the waitress immediately threw everything away. That kind of waste really frosts my muffins.

*You can't tell from the picture, but Scott is actually 74 feet tall and Amy is a midget. You can find videos from their French honeymoon on certain 'specialty' websites.