Eight is Enough

Again, an homage to swift short nuggets a la Jackie Graham. How you say, eightball?
1) Last night I fell asleep with a cranberry nut muffin in my mouth. When I woke up, as if by magic, my mouth tasted like oysters!

2) The stereo at my house turns on all by itself. It only plays one CD from the 3-CD changer. The CD is Bright Eyes. It gives me the willies.

3) I got my first CatScan yesterday. My favorite part was when the machine said "Please Do Not Swallow!" in a Sean Connery voice. Also when they gave me a voucher for a coffee and a muffin. Also not going to work.

4) Nicole and I are going to Venezuela in January. I'm going to grow a beard so I can display my boundless machismo.

5) I went to an ear/nose/throat doctor on Monday, a humorless man named Dr. Rho. In fact he smiled exactly twice- once when I called the thing on my jaw a goiter ("I assure you, it is not a goiter.") The second smile was when he pulled my tongue out as far as it could go and I screamed and said he ripped my tongue out.

6) My truck had a huge gas leak for the past couple of weeks which I just got fixed. It reminded me of my career choice as a young lad. My plan- if anyone needed a car blown up, they could pay me to do it. I would just leave a long trail of gasoline towards the offending vehicle and light it from a safe distance. Also, I would be Mr. T.

7) On sick days, I used to call in to the Home Shopping Network to hear my voice on TV. I would say, "That's some lovely cubic zirconia" or "Does that vaccuum get into hard-to-reach places?" Then when they'd try to complete my purchase, I'd hang up.

8) The office is closing right now due to snow. I shall now catch a LuckyStar to New York and sleep with my girlfriend for 3 days straight. Or ten minutes, whichever comes first.

I'll leave you with this quote from an MSNBC article on the storm:
"It actually will be quite a doozy of a snowstorm," said Thomas Spriggs, a National Weather Service forecaster. He said doozy. I think he's reporting from a Vermont general store.